i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
