R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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