So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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