Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
