I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
