He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
