There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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