yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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