if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
