I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
