i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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