he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
