Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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