I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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