Swine flu. Run for my life!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize