I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize