you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
