Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
