this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
