I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
