haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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