I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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