umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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