Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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