Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
