haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize