No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
