Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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