He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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