Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
