he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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