I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize