Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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