There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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