So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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