Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
