No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
