we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
