Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize