You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
