This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
