Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize