dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
