My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My ATM looks so different sober.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
