i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
