Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
