I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
