my phone needs a breathalizer
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
