i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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