no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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