Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We were destined to go to rehab together
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
