he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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