This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
