ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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