I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i wish my penis had a tongue
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
