I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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