Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
