It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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