just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
