Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
