I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
